one day, three autumns

» Monday, February 13, 2012 / -6:30 AM

This Too Shall Pass

Loneliness is eating me. Im alone and too afraid to cry. Now Im having this feeling that I need someone to talk to but Im too shy to ask for their time cause maybe 1) they are busy 2) they dont care about my sappy feeling and 3) Im afraid that they will just despise me. I feel left out and everything is already slipping away. I just need someone who is willing to listen to me. I am not demanding for some understanding for I bet its too much.

"I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning."
-The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

When people look at you for strength and friendship, you cant demand yourself to be weak. You should be patient and strong enough to help them. I actually think that it is fun. Its fun to be needed, it will make you atleast worthy. But when they started to hate you all they can remember are your flaws and wrong doings. You wont make them listen no matter what you do. And its starting to make sense. The best thing to do is to lie and cover yourself and sugarcoat your words but people will keep on asking and then you would realize that you're not that good in acting.

Now I can feel tears but I dont wanna let them drop. It will just create some fuss and I dont think that my reasons are enough to get through the night. When people try to tell me what to do, I cant help but cry. And I swear they hate my tears. I dont know why I should ask permission to feel. I knew someone who hates my angry self, someone who hates my quiet self, someone who hates my honest side and someone who doubts my silence. Is there really something wrong about me? Cause I feel like I am never enough to make people happy that's why they divert their attention to others.

And Im overthinking again. Im starting to collect all my scars and weaknesses. Thinking that if Im strong enough for myself, my life will be different. People will not take me for granted or maybe I view things in a different perspective or better yet people wont leave me as they pleased. But aside from these imagination, my dying wish is for people to atleast try to understand me and not to just simply misunderstand my words.

Im starting to have my suicidal thoughts. I dont know but I feel like Im on the verge of a serious mental breakdown and all I can feel is sadness and the fear of being alone. And just in case I won't have the chance to see you all tomorrow, atleast I wrote down the things that I went through. Atleast I wont leave any curiosity to people who don't actually care.

Goodbye. Till we meet again.

» Monday, January 23, 2012 / -6:08 AM

Hola Old Self!

The Title! Ohhhh word! HAHAHAHA! Please forgive my craziness today. Im just super happy that midterms is finally over. And here comes the long weekend! So rewarding! Im not actually thinking about the results now. The exams are hard as expected and yeah, I am not expecting much since the time I allotted for studying is not enough. Just some little updates cause I've out for too long keke~

January 22: Sunday
Damiel's Christening

I had an exam till 11 in the morning so I need to rush in order to attend my nephew slash godson's christening. Luckily, the exam finished earlier than we thought and I arrived earlier than expected so I need to wait for my mom or cousins to fetch me up.
The heat will kill me. I swear! I waited for some time until Ate Tin fetched me. Goodness gracious and we need to rush because we heard that the ceremony is already starting. This day is a such a fun day with relatives :)

January 23: Monday
Kiong Hee Huat Tsai!

Kiong Hee Huat Tsai/ Kong Hei Fat Choi everyone! :)

» Thursday, January 12, 2012 / -5:25 AM

The 19th!

I just turned 19 today! I feel so old :( That's why I hate remembering my birthday- a slap on the face, a conclusion that I can't go back , the reality. I don't know why I am feeling too nostalgic today. I just put in mind that maybe Im sentimental about growing up because I had a happy childhood and I can't let go of these memories.

Oh well, though I feel old and lil sad, Im still happy thinking about some things and people who made me feel special :) I can't express how happy I am, by just looking at those notifications and birthday greetings that I got today. I knew that facebook do all the reminder, but still I do appreciate people who can make someone smile by just greeting a happy birthday. Its feels like they are happy that I am alive. On days like this, its too hard to be happy. Cause after all the failures and lonesome moments, there's still a day that you can smile or laugh freely. Once again, thank you so much guys ^_^v

I just spent the whole day with friends, family and foods hahaha! I also wanna spend my birthday with my high school friends but Im too shy to ask and they all look busy. Maybe soon :) I also had 3 wishes and Im not expecting that all of them will eventually happen; but if they do, I will be the happiest fangirl ever kekeke~!

Happy 19th birthday fangirl! :)

» Friday, January 6, 2012 / -10:51 PM

The First of 2012

Hello everyone. Happy New Year! Its already 2012 and this post serves as my very first post for this year. Yay! Im so happy that my blog is actually updated before school kidnaps me HAHAHA!So how's your New Year and first day of school/work? Mine was a blast :)

Like Christmas, we spent our very first New Year here at Valenzuela. Complete family, lots of foods, photos, cool fireworks, fun with relatives and Brownout - yes, minutes after the countdown, someone from the neighborhood decided to light up this freaking "goodbye philippines". Cool yowww for we still had decent photos.

After realizing that its already New Year, I became confused and started cramming because the unfinished school works are still on my cabinet and waiting for me to finally get them done plus the major 60 provisions of sales that ripped my heart into pieces.

The first day of school is daebak! My law class that has been a topic of my twitter rants for about a week is gone because our professor is not absent. And MAS is just alright and yeah, just a laid back day. But the first whole first week of class made me feel like vacation didn't actually come and I've been going to school for about a year.

And I've been obviously on the verge of mental breakdown this week, the next week and the list goes on. I can actually feel the presence of midterms cause the profs are starting to act like monsters, giving us all the works that they can think of. I hope I have enough time to study. I don't really want to spend summer in a remedial class.

Plus, plus, plus I'll be turning 19 this month! Huhu, childhood is finally saying goodbye. I hope I can celebrate this day with fun. A nice lunch or dinner will make it work. I just want a birthday cake with a "Happy Birthday Gladys" (without age haha) and a firework-like candle/cute candles on top- that is so fancy! I would love it definitely! :)

Brownout Photo! Good thing, there's this thing called "flash"

Foodies!

I love this photo so much! ;)

» Sunday, December 25, 2011 / -7:06 AM

Its Christmas Time!

Merry Christmas everyone! How's your Christmas and Noche Buena last night? I hope you had peace and fun with family, relatives and friends :) Leave all the hate, bitterness and heartaches away. Lets rejoice and be thankful to Jesus Christ, our Savior. Happy Birthday Jesus! :)

This year's Christmas celebration is very different from our family's annual tradition. Every Christmas, we are visiting Pangasinan and spent the whole night having a Christmas Party with my mom's relatives. But this year, we decided to celebrate it in our new home. After having our trip to Ilocos Norte, we felt so tired traveling and I guess its better to stay home in our very first Christmas here at Valenzuela.

We celebrated this season with my old maid Auntie. A year ago, her mother died. So she's all alone and I just felt sad thinking about it. So its super nice to have her celebrate with us. She's one of my closest aunt, btw. When my dad was still in Clark, she's always with us going to malls and eating in different restos :) I wish that she had so much fun celebrating with us as much as we do.

And now, I believed that I need to go back working on my school stuffs plus Midterms will be coming and I need good results. So, Merry Christmas again everyone! :)

» Wednesday, December 21, 2011 / -6:02 PM

Family Reunion in Ilocos :)

After 6 months, I got a chance to visit Ilocos again. Im so lucky haha! Unlike our other vacation, our family got a chance to be complete. The main agenda is remembering our Tita Emma's 3rd death Anniversary. Time flew so fast. Its been 3 years already. I hope all the scars are healed right now :)

These 3 photos are taken before our night trip :)

Though I've been to Ilocos a couple of times, it is the first time that almost all of us fell on the same schedule and stayed on our grandparents' house. So the whole house is a mess and full of voices. My Lola is actually the one who is "KJ" and she dont want any noisy people around cause she believes that it is embarrassing and an improper behavior; but she dropped that principle when she saw all of us kekeke~

DAY 1
Saturday

We arrived past 6:30 am, I guessed. Our other relatives are already there and we had breakfast together. Had some conversation then my sister and I snoozed off a bit until almost lunch time.
We went to our Tito's house and had "padasal." Then we ate miki, suman, badurya and variety of things. My other cousins and I went to the church to walk and play. Had lots of photos hahaha~

A photo with my mom and my cousins ;)

With Aldrin and Wiswis

Awww, this is such a cute photo hihi ;)

DAY 2
Sunday

Its Tita Emma's 3rd death anniversary. We had lunch with almost all of our relatives then we took photos with our grandparents- this is rare. A'la unicorn! :P I also had fun playing with my younger cousins and niece. I always feel like a child with them and they dont put much drama around haha.
We also watched Exam with my sister and my other cousin but I cant concentrate much because I'm busy playing with my niece kekeke~
When we got home, my three (3) younger cousins asked me to play badminton and I agreed. I feel like a varsity player hahaha! When my sister joined us, its chaos!I know that she can't play to save her life bwahahaha!

With our grandparents :)

Cousins!

Our family with my Lolo and Lola

Those silly poses :(

DAY 3
Monday

We actually dont know where we are going this day. But surprisingly, my cousin will participate in the foundation day program of their school. Being a stage relatives, we went there to support her hahaha~ After watching her, I played badminton with my cousins then had wacky and jump shots in front of the church :D
And suddenly, is raining hard and the wind is so strong. So chilly. So cold. That's why I love Ilocos' weather. The thing that I got wrong from my packed clothes is that I didn't bring any long shorts or pajamas. That's why Im really freezing.
Before hitting bedtime, my cousins and I watched Praybeyt Benjamin. Its super hilarious and we didn't finish it because we're already zombified.

And dalawa kong kalaro sa badminton :)

On our way home

Me so flexy hihi :)

Jump Shotttt!

My cousin in her drum and lyre attire :)

DAY 4
Tuesday

We stayed at home and played almost the whole day. I actually dont wanna leave and as much as possible I wanna stay with my grandparents and my cousins during our last day. God, I miss them so bad :(

Munisipyo at Night. This is the last photo I took at the bus on our way home :(

Right now, there's is no definite plan as when are we going to visit Ilocos again. I hope next summer! hihi xxx :)

» Tuesday, December 13, 2011 / -2:55 AM

The Scent of Christmas Break :)

Unlike the past two years, me and my college best friends celebrated it with our other classmates. We tried very hard to match our schedules but time didn't permit us, that's why we didn't have our annual Christmas party. We waited so long for this laid back day. Nothing special, we just chill, had exchange gifts and had a non stop karaoke to finally conclude the year.

Almost 9 am
Arrived at 7 eleven- the place where we should meet each other. Though Im late, my friends still arrived past 10 am. Mga kabogera talaga haha!

Almost 11:30 am

We chilled at Det's dorm. We waited for them to prepare before going to SM.

Past 12
Not that hungry but they wanna eat so we just had take outs in different resto cause we're too tired of chicken.

Almost 1 pm
Det, Hya, Joan and I went around the mall. We just explore and had so much fun looking at some interesting pieces at the department store.

Almost 3pm

Det, Joan and I went to a karaoke hub because we cant actually figure out what our friends are up to. Then after 30 minutes or so, they also go for a karaoke then we had exchange gifts.

So simple yet so fun day. We've been through so much this year. After all the broken friendships and promises, heartaches, tears and failures, we are now finally saying goodbye to these sorrows and finally embracing the new level of maturity with each and everyone of us helping each other :)

Happy Holidays Guys!!!

Aleth, Me, Det and Nikki

Busy people with their gifts kekeke~

We're singing Sparks Fly in a concert way haha ;)

Wackyyyy! :P

Blurred kasi pasmado ang nakuha haha!

Them shyyy :D

Almost last photo :)

» Thursday, December 1, 2011 / -10:57 PM

Still on the Search

Wow! Its already December! This is one of my favorite months. I've been ranting on twitter to please fast forward this time to Christmas Break haha! And I've been randomly promising people that Im going to post something on my blog until today *poker face* Sorry people! :)

I've been busy with school, as always. Things are quite harder right now. Every one is expecting us to be mature and to take care of ourselves. And please add up my adjustment in our new environment. I've been forever whining about school works now - as if nothing is working on my side.

As time goes by, I am needing lots of help and people to remind me of some things. Im getting sad and forgetful and sometimes agitated by the fact that I can't get everything that I want. I used to tell myself that I will be a kid with a big big dream but that dream was accidentally thrown outside the window and Im still here , silently waiting for it to happen.

I badly want a break, not for me to rest but to think about some things- like if my high school classmates can still remember me? Does this someone knew anything about love? About trust? How slutty and desperate does she look? How random and hurtful can I be?

:( :( :(

» Tuesday, November 1, 2011 / -8:36 PM

Little by Little :)

Its almost a week since we arrived in our new home. Kinda comfy but we're still adjusting. And finally, school tomorrow after a very very long sembreak but I still cant get enough of the vacation ;)

I just wanna share some of the first few photos in our new room with my sister :)

» Sunday, October 23, 2011 / -7:59 PM

Finally Leaving

After almost 17 years of stay in Villamor, we are finally moving on the 26th of October. I still cant accept it. I feel like I am going to leave behind all the memories. Though its only a material thing, its taking a bigger chunk of my heart. I know that changes are coming but Im still not yet ready for everything :(

I cant imagine myself moving into another house with a total different environment. I feel like my heart is going to burst being a total stranger to some place. And now I cant even look at our house in here, everything is packed in boxes and in bags. The rooms are all cleared. I dont actually know how to say goodbye.

There were lots of scenes playing in my mind (like running away from home, staying for almost a week and like). I feel like if I can do them then I would be save from nostalgia. I badly hope that its easier. The thing that we're just planning years ago is finally here.

Few days from now, I will be there. On the bright side, since we're seeing North, the place is more like, a lil bit, province side. So yeah, atleast :) But I will still miss Villamor. I will miss my hometown and 3 days from now, finally we're leaving.