Rememorer
FOOL
Sunday, December 12, 2010 • 5:09 AM • 0 comments

There are things in my life that I already embraced and afraid to throw up. These are the things that I thought that would matter even if I die. But now, I decided to throw them and bottle up my old feelings. Not because I am a victim of a cruel fate, but because I need to move on to finally see my real life without clinging to someone that can fulfill my presence and satisfy my happiness.

It all started five years ago. I am a 12 year old girl on my freshman year in high school. Unlike others, I never open myself up with some little talk about love and crushes. I never suspected that the thing that I tried very hard to avoid will enter and twist my story. It is the first time that I saw someone that I never ever thought that would hook my heart up. A boy that I saw on the television. I instantly became a fan- a super fan. I underestimated my feelings. I thought it will fade soon enough before I know. But days became months, and months became years. I let myself drown with the things that are related to him. I let myself smile and cry with the thoughts of him. I actually believed that everything is possible. I idealized him just to be happy on my own fantasy. He's the boy that ran through my every blog posts, through my every status, through my own trademark.

My happiness even burst up when the things that I cant even imagine happened. It was marked on my calendar. At that very year, I felt good. I saw him for the first time. Heard his voice, held his hand, saw his smile and ohhhhh its heaven. I'm finally on my cloud nine. I claimed that he's mine. And then I thought I'm finally normal. That finally I can feel things that I keep on pushing years ago. In exchange of what I'm feeling, I find myself dwelling on the girls that screaming his name, people who are trying to be close to him and even people who were his friends. I became envious and hateful. I find myself unappreciated, betrayed and even more deeply hurt by a boy who doesn't even know that I am existing.

And then I started to ask myself what my feelings are. Am I just overwhelmed, happy or possessive? I never became sure. Cause ever since the beginning, I don't even know what I am going though. But if this is what we called love, then certainly I'm on the point of falling out of love. I destroy all the physical reminders to cut all the emotional ties. I divert all my attention to the people that are worth my eyes. To my friends who knows everything about me and tolerate all the things that made me happy. And to tell you honestly, its not easy to fall out love. Its not easy to move on and not to think about the person that you never had. Imagination works better than reality. And its hard to delete permanently. But its easier if you think yourself for a while. After all, that's my priority before he arrived. I did all the things that I want and afraid to do cause he might not like it. But I did. Life is too short to spend it pining for someone who doesn't see how great you are. There are those out there who will.

But now I understand. Though I never claimed to be normal, all the things that Im going through is normal. Feelings may never fade completely. I know. He will always have a soft spot in me but I will never let my heart fall back again.
Bottle up old love. Goodbye :)


~FOOL~


Gladys/22 years old/Philippines

Im beyond your peripheral vision and aiming for art school.Im a provinciana girl at heart. I do think too much and contradicts myself most of the time.The internet doesn't speak for itself. There's more than meets the eye.