In This Endless Winter
Monday, August 1, 2011 • 6:38 PM • 0 comments

Today is such a gloomy day. I dont know if the weather is just simply affecting my feelings or not but I felt like something is slowly deteriorating inside of me. Since junior year came, I felt like Im moving on to what I want but Im aware that I need to leave behind some things, some people, some relationships -- not because I consider them as a wall but because no matter how I want to keep them, fate didn't permit me. Saying goodbye to these things hurts in a very old school way. Maybe Im heading off to my dreams but it doesn't really mean that I don't need them.

To be honest Im afraid. Im afraid that because of times we've been separated by distance, my friends and I would not be the same as before. I promised that I won't change, that I'll be with them no matter what. And even if you believe me or not, Im still keeping that promise. There were numerous times when I revoked my friends' invitations because my schedule is not as friendly as it used to be. If I have a choice, I would definitely love to join my friends and atleast have some fun with them.

I understand if my friends got angry or sad because I cant even fulfill their request. I understand if they blame it all on me. I understand if they dont talk to me for days because I've been ditching them. But sometimes it hurts me too much when they start to ask about my sincerity and loyalty. Im also trying hard to reach out, please don't just shoo me away.

I know its tricky. But can you just simply trust me? I wonder if this thing really happens when we started to grow up and part ways or I am just bad friend who only exerted a little effort to reach out. I find myself dwelling in the shallow and awkward conversations with my old friends with long silence that can be deafening.

Its always scary when I think about the beggining and ending of friendships. Friendship is one of the deepest relationships - comfortable and lovely. But this is what I assure you guys, maybe you're thinking that I never think about you or I never included you in my prayers, but you're wrong. Well, yes, maybe we're far from each other, maybe I made new friends but you will always be in my heart and in my mind. For me, you're always with me catching up lunches, movies, playing and telling each other stories.

If I only had that precious choice then we will not be far away from each other. If I only had the ability to rewind and pull back everything then I know for sure we are still enjoying everyday things with each other. Im really sorry for being not enough. Im really sorry for making you sad and making you feel alone. Im sorry :(

Gladys/22 years old/Philippines

Im beyond your peripheral vision and aiming for art school.Im a provinciana girl at heart. I do think too much and contradicts myself most of the time.The internet doesn't speak for itself. There's more than meets the eye.