This Too Shall Pass
Monday, February 13, 2012 • 6:30 AM • 0 comments

Loneliness is eating me. Im alone and too afraid to cry. Now Im having this feeling that I need someone to talk to but Im too shy to ask for their time cause maybe 1) they are busy 2) they dont care about my sappy feeling and 3) Im afraid that they will just despise me. I feel left out and everything is already slipping away. I just need someone who is willing to listen to me. I am not demanding for some understanding for I bet its too much.

"I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning."
-The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

When people look at you for strength and friendship, you cant demand yourself to be weak. You should be patient and strong enough to help them. I actually think that it is fun. Its fun to be needed, it will make you atleast worthy. But when they started to hate you all they can remember are your flaws and wrong doings. You wont make them listen no matter what you do. And its starting to make sense. The best thing to do is to lie and cover yourself and sugarcoat your words but people will keep on asking and then you would realize that you're not that good in acting.

Now I can feel tears but I dont wanna let them drop. It will just create some fuss and I dont think that my reasons are enough to get through the night. When people try to tell me what to do, I cant help but cry. And I swear they hate my tears. I dont know why I should ask permission to feel. I knew someone who hates my angry self, someone who hates my quiet self, someone who hates my honest side and someone who doubts my silence. Is there really something wrong about me? Cause I feel like I am never enough to make people happy that's why they divert their attention to others.

And Im overthinking again. Im starting to collect all my scars and weaknesses. Thinking that if Im strong enough for myself, my life will be different. People will not take me for granted or maybe I view things in a different perspective or better yet people wont leave me as they pleased. But aside from these imagination, my dying wish is for people to atleast try to understand me and not to just simply misunderstand my words.

Im starting to have my suicidal thoughts. I dont know but I feel like Im on the verge of a serious mental breakdown and all I can feel is sadness and the fear of being alone. And just in case I won't have the chance to see you all tomorrow, atleast I wrote down the things that I went through. Atleast I wont leave any curiosity to people who don't actually care.

Goodbye. Till we meet again.

Gladys/22 years old/Philippines

Im beyond your peripheral vision and aiming for art school.Im a provinciana girl at heart. I do think too much and contradicts myself most of the time.The internet doesn't speak for itself. There's more than meets the eye.