Troubled Self
Tuesday, March 27, 2012 • 4:08 AM • 0 comments

Today is the last summer first day of college - I hope! Darn, today I am nothing but intoxicated with anxiousness and loneliness. My day at school is actually okay cause Im with my friends but Im also hearing lots of terrifying words about senior year. Shootness, can we just graduate already? No, Im not complaining. Its just Im so afraid.

Have you ever felt that kind fear when all you can do is to cry, overthink and contradict yourself? Its perfectly describing my situation right now. I cried too much tears during my freshmen days, thinking that my dreams are already away and I might end up being thrown to the other colleges. But now, I think I need to cry with blood just to graduate. I know that hardships are all part of the plan, but can I atleast glimpse a little hope? Or just little assurance that can motivate me? I know that Im being paranoid. I just really want to graduate in time. All throughout my college years, I dont have any achievements that made my parents proud. Im just passing the subjects and all the qualifying exams, never a Dean's Lister and will never be a Cum Laude.

When I was a kid, I remember how I badly want to be in a good school and be a Cum Laude though I don't have any idea as to what course should I take. And now one by one, my dreams are being thrown out of the window. I dont know why through the years, I grew up to be a very undecided child. And now what's driving me more crazy is how my twin sister give happiness to our family for being awarded almost every year and now she's having almost a solid chance to be a Cum Laude. No, Im not jealous of her. I know that whatever she's getting, she all deserves that. I'm just afraid to be compared, to be forgotten and most all to be just remembered as a rotten child.

I keep on attempting to make myself okay but Im still in doubt. Im getting afraid day by day. I don't know how much Im able to hold out. Im always just frustrated. I badly want to give up. Im trying everything that I can but it seems like nothing is working on my side. But the people who supported is not yet giving up on me and I feel like a burden. I dont want to be the cause of their embarrassment to others. I dont know why these things suddenly occur to me, all I know is that I feel like giving up and Im just wishing that everything will be okay. Fingers Crossed! xxx

Gladys/22 years old/Philippines

Im beyond your peripheral vision and aiming for art school.Im a provinciana girl at heart. I do think too much and contradicts myself most of the time.The internet doesn't speak for itself. There's more than meets the eye.