In My Remembering
Sunday, February 8, 2015 • 10:04 PM • 0 comments

It was almost over but still the sudden attack of loneliness filled with happy childhood memories will visit me once in a while. It was a nostalgia, a happy one until I reached the end. The end--- I dont know if it's the end of the memories that I got with people or the end of their lives; nevertheless, I knew it wasn't a happy one.

January 30---that day will never be the same again, not in my lifetime. And no matter how I try to shrug it off, I will always be reminded of that day's significance in my life. Suddenly you became a part of my remembering, only to that extent.

I can't believe that today I'll talk about my grandfather in the past tense. It's strange.
Me being the jeje apo with Lilo  and my other Lolas and pamangkin :D

Every photo that I had, every summer vacation theme journal that I made for school, every fun memories that sums up my whole childhood includes him. And suddenly he was gone. As I sit on the couch trying not to spoil the party mood that my co workers were having, I tried to remember when the last time was I had seen my grandfather. I think it's a natural thing to do when someone dies. 
Lilo, my cousin and I striking for a photo last May 2013 after our grad celeb at the ancestral house :)

The memories were so vivid that sometimes I'm wondering if it's really nostalgia. Every summer vacation, Lilo together with Lila welcomes us with open arms and with his little laughter that I will always remember. How he loves it when we're playing with our little cousins and being childlike creatures who never thought of growing up. How cute he is whenever we welcome a new member of the family. The little ones and apo sa tuhod were super spoiled! My Lilo is super funny as well that sometimes Im wondering if he's aware that he's that funny.

Lila, Lilo and his sister with my Tito :)

During my toughest times while studying and no matter how shitty I feel about myself, it seems like they were made to make me feel better, to remind me of my hard works and to say how proud they are as our grandparents. I never expressed the gratitude but deep in my heart, Im always thankful to them--- for believing in me and for giving us bigger things that were deemed simple for them.

Whenever I think about the future, I can't help but cry because I know Lilo won't be present in any of our biggest life events. He'll never get to see them. He won't be there when I get my first real house, first real persons, first anything that Im currently working now. I can't even bring someone to meet him and gain his approval. How I wish I could also give back.

Every vacation won't ever be the same anymore. I understand this is the way life works--- where the old dies, leaving their family behind---but still it hurts. I could say that my grandfather being in a hospital for about a month made it easier to handle his passing or that he had live a long life and I am an adult so I should be better at accepting loss. But death is never that simple because in my remembering he wasn't dead.
Goofin around with Lilo during Lila's first death anniversary. 
It may hurt for days, for months, years or every remembering time. But I will never ever forget the love you gave us, Lilo. The past few months may not be well, it may not be the best version of you that we wanted to remember but we understand. And despite of it all, we love you as much as you love us. Thank you so much for the support, love and everything. I hope you're finally happy and not hurting anymore now that you're with Lila.

A portrait of Lilo with his favorite cap :) We love you so much General! See you next lifetime :)

Gladys/22 years old/Philippines

Im beyond your peripheral vision and aiming for art school.Im a provinciana girl at heart. I do think too much and contradicts myself most of the time.The internet doesn't speak for itself. There's more than meets the eye.